The Saddest Word

Hi Everyone,
How are ya, Happy Mother's Day. I am happy for all of you who get to celebrate your Mother today and all that she is to you and your family. A Mother should be celebrated everyday. I played this song by Celine Dion for Elsie at her service two years ago. It is such a beautiful song and for obvious reasons it reminds me of my Mom too. I have not fully said goodbye to both of them. I have kept certain things of theirs in special places, for example when my Mom passed away at the nursing home we had to go there the next day and pack her things. I have a bag of her stuffed animals and everything else everyone brought her. I cannot unpack that bag because if I do I will feel like I have nothing left of her. I am sure many of you that have lost your mother have the same thing going on with you. This time two years ago Elsie asked me to get her a new body for a Mother's day gift. I wish I could have. She was of such sound mind when she lived for 63 days on Tubes and machines. The day before she went in for her lung surgery she grabbed my arm and said to me Janet I do not want to live on Machines, you know where the paper work is and I want to make sure you follow my wishes. I said I will Elsie. We had been at a baby shower that a day and it was good that she got to be with all of her family that last day. When I said goodbye to her that day my instincts knew she was never coming home again. It will be two years ago on the 23rd of this month that she was brave enough to say take me off the machines when there was nothing else they could do for her. I can't imagine how she got through the night knowing the next day she would be gone. I was able to be with her when she passed peacefully. Pete and his brother chose not to. I whispered in her ear, just see yourself riding on the beach on your horse into the sunset, feel the peace. She had horses all her life. And on the way in that morning to Boston wouldn't you know the song Wild Horses by the rolling stones came on the radio. I have been having a real hard time dealing with Pete's health. I am ok as long as I am working or walking, but then when it comes time to go home, I get sick to my stomach and I cannot stop crying. I am coming out of denial that he is choosing death over life. I somehow shut out the fact that he did that when he did not stop drinking after he found out about his hepatitis C. I thought ok he is only drinking wine now, that's good. But it is not, once you have hep c every bit of alcohol that goes into your liver is intensified by double digits, I can't remember the exact amount. I remembered today too that my father said to Pete the night of the medium, Pete I am surprised you are still here. Some people laughed and Pete said I am too. I didn't find that funny at all. My father was sending a clear message but I wasn't picking up on it at the time. My dear friend Andy at work who always makes me smile by calling me sweetheart or sunshine suggested I start going to Al Anon. He is also a recovering Alcoholic and counselor. He said you need to take care of you. So that is what I am going to do. If Pete chooses to slowly kill himself I cannot make him stop. I don't know as much about hep c as I should but I am gong to find out more. It hit me today too that Pete will be 53 next week which is the same age as my father was when he died on June 3rd, 1987 while at work at the Boston Globe. When I called the hospital to check on him when we heard he had collapsed they said he passed at 10:20pm that night. 10 20 is my birthday. For the first few years after he passed I kept finding myself looking at the clock and it would say 10 20. I know why now he was letting me know he was thinking of me. I also had a great dream with him telling me he was at peace like I did with my Mom. Writing all this is painful but therapeutic. Donna I want you to know I am thinking of you today. I feel your pain. Today is my father in law's 84th birthday. I am going to make him a nice lunch and Christa, Dana and Bri are coming over. We will do Pete's birthday too because his is exactly a week apart from his Dad's. The Gardner's have good genes, his mother lived to 94, his brother until 89. But if you abuse those genes you won't follow in your family footsteps. I am proud to say Briana has used the potty for two days!! Two times she had a little accident just as she got there and was so disappointed in herself. Christa reassured her it was ok and that she could still wear her big girl panties. Mimmi is going to have to go buy her a toy or something at toy r us today to reward her for her accomplishment. How my Mother's would have loved her. Elsie knew her for a little longer. Christa is happy that for a couple of weeks she won't have to buy or change diapers! Perfect timing. When I got out of work today I bought Christa some new clothes and pajama's for the hospital. She is like all mother's who sacrifice to give their kids what they need. I got her some new sandals too because she told me the ones she has are from before Bri was born. Too sweet my girl. I had to post this video of Chritina's performance on Oprah, what a voice. And I agree Christina us women need to have some fun because we do it all. I had a great time out with my friends last night. We closed the place because we were having so many laughs.
Have a great Sunday,
Love ya,
Janet :)

'Till we meet again, Until then Goodbye, The Greatest
love of my life.



Happy Motherfuckers Day too :)